CLOSURE

I DID A VERY PERSONAL WORK OF ART FOR MY FINAL PROJECT IN FJÖLBRAUTASKÓLINN Í BREIÐHOLTI. MY TEENAGE YEARS WERE A NIGHTMARE. MOST PEOPLE SAY THE SAME THING BUT MINE WERE ESPECIALLY BAD. I BECAME SEVERELY DEPRESSED, I LOST MY SENSE OF SELF WORTH, THE CONTROL OVER MYSELF AND MY WILL TO LIVE. I STARTED DOING ALL KINDS OF SELF-DESTRUCTIVE THINGS, I STARTED SELF HARMING WHEN I WAS 13 YEARS OLD AND I KEPT ON DOING THAT FOR OVER 5 YEARS. I USED TO CUT MYSELF EVERY SINGLE DAY, SOMETIMES TWICE AND OFTEN UP TO AROUND 60 CUTS AT ONCE. MY DEPRESSION AND MY SELF HARMING ADDICTION INTENSIFIED OVER THE YEARS AND I BECAME OBSESSED WITH GOING DEEPER AND DEEPER EVERY TIME I DID IT. IN REALITY MY LIFE WAS IN DANGER.

THESE YEARS AND THE MEMORIES FROM THEM ARE CHARACTERIZED BY ANGUISH, THERAPY, TRIPS TO THE HOSPITAL, TEARS, DISPUTES, LONELINESS, DEPENDENCY, LIES AND BLOOD. I TOOK ALL THIS PAIN AND TRIED MY BEST TO CHANNEL IT INTO MY WORK IN THE MOST RAW AND SINCERE WAY THAT I COULD. THIS INSTALLATION WAS A WAY FOR ME TO WORK THROUGH THESE MEMORIES AND GET CLOSURE, THE RESULT TURNED OUT LIKE YOU COULD WALK INTO A LIVING AND BREATHING DIARY OF A PERSON IN TREMENDOUS MENTAL PAIN. I TOOK EVERYTHING OUT OF THE COPYING ROOM IN OUR WORKSHOP AND COVERED THE WALLS WITH MULTIPLE LAYERS OF SEE-THROUGH PAPER AND DREW ALMOST A HUNDRED SELF PORTRAITS ON TO THE WALLS AND WROTE MULTIPLE POEMS AND OTHER TEXTS. I COVERED THE CEILING WITH PAPER THAT I PAINTED RED, THEN PUT ANOTHER LAYER OVER IT AND CUT THROUGH THE LOWER LAYER, LIKE I USED TO DO TO MYSELF, SO IT LOOKED LIKE SKIN. THE LIGHT COMING THROUGH THAT MADE EVERYTHING IN THE ROOM RED. 

I ALSO ACQUIRED BLUE THREAD AT THE HOSPITAL WHICH IS USED FOR SURGICAL SUTURING AND SEWED SOME OF THE CUTS IN THE CEILING AND THE WALLS TOGETHER LIKE THE DOCTORS USED TO DO TO ME. 

FINALLY I MADE AN AUDIOPIECE MITH MANY DIFFERENT SOUNDS THAT HAVE TO DO WITH MY MEMORIES FROM THIS TIME IN MY LIFE THAT WAS PLAYING ON LOOP INSIDE THE ROOM, MAKING THE MOOD EVEN MORE TENSE.

THE OUTCOME WAS A VERY INTRUSIVE AND SUFFOCATING ATMOSPHERE, WHICH IS EXACTLY WHAT I WAS TRYING TO MAKE.

Herdís Hlíf, visual artist.